Being TOO MUCH.

There is no greater feeling than OWNING all that you are

AND standing tall without apology!

(Stop the SHAME game.  Return HOME to your Self.)

As a coach and numerologist, I am privileged to be with people as they return home to their Self, reclaiming dormant energies that they abandoned over the years and activating potential that must be set free.  The journey of life takes us into the unexpected which can be difficult to navigate alone so I get to be with individuals during times of great transitions where beliefs are assessed and dismantled, what no long serves is acknowledged and laid to rest, visions and plans are created so new life can move through.

But it all starts with me and my relationship to my Self.  I couldn't do what I do if I was unable to own the truth of all that I am, stand tall without apology, let go of shame and return home to my Self.  This is an ongoing process and will be until my last breath so I welcome the discoveries found in each day.

I AM TOO MUCH!  I am.  At 44, I can say that, know it and delight in it.  Being too much was one of my original wounds where I was ashamed of not being like the other kids, talking too much, asking question after question, needing constant attention and assurance from adults and bouncing off the walls.  My mom used to say that she should have been my grandma.  I wore her out.  She used to shout at me with tears of frustration and out of sheer
exhaustion and desperation:  What do you want from me?  You are too much for me!   And I was.

All the TOO MUCH energy I was born with, when out of balance led me into destructive patterns and behaviors - binge eating, drinking and so on.  But in balance, it is my most treasured gift, an innate vitality that I get to share with the world through my being, speaking, writing and coaching.
 
When I met my late-husband, John, he was not afraid of my TOO MUCHness, celebrating it, inviting all of me to come out and play, entertaining him,
inspiring him and challenging the hell out of him.  He laughed at my fire and welcomed my roar.  He helped me own this sacred gift as angels we meet along our path do.

At my 20 year class reunion seeing photos splashed on the big screen of me rocking funky 80's headbands, red boots with holes cut out of them, flashy mini-skirts in bold colors, metallic silver eye liner with matching shadow, I absolutely fell in love with my TOO MUCHness, integrating more of this energy so I can use it.

Who are you?  What parts of you do you need to reclaim and own so you can USE the precious energy to express your truest Self?  I invite you to examine where shame still grips you.  Letting go of shame is a worthy mission
because the richest of lives is found in returning HOME to our Self so we can enjoy this grand adventure.

This is YOUR life!  What if it's FUN to be YOU? 

Make Some Noise!

Digging deep, going into that uncomfortable zone,

I find myself MAKING SOME NOISE.

This primal urge is an instinctive response to help us release tension so we can go where we have never been before and express our Self more honestly and expansively.

When John first died, my breath was so shallow that it felt stuck in my throat.  Like a fish out of water, I would feel myself suddenly gulp for air unaware that I was holding my breath.  Grief had gripped me stealing my breath.  And yet, instinctively, my body did what it had to in order to keep me alive. 

I had never been so aware of the miracle of this human system, the body, and how it kicks in to do what it must to ensure our survival.  Most the time we aren't aware of this but in times when we are in a deficit; when life is sucking the wind out of our sails if we tune in, we get see and explore the wonders of being.

Making some noise is information so listen to your Self.  A friend shared that for the last 6 months of her ill-fated marriage she walked around sighing and was asked by her then husband why she was sighing.  She didn't know.  In hindsight, she can see that it was an innate response to her burdens, the heaviness of life that she was carrying around.

Yesterday, at my "squat party" workout, I was making some noise as I always do when I am diggin' deep.  Grunting, cursing, letting it out in the form of various noises have become necessary practices as I am now keenly aware of how it helps me release tension, go where I have never gone before and express my Self more expansively like a flower in full bloom. 

Sometimes out of the blue, driving or going about my day, I breathe consciously into the whole of my body and MAKE SOME NOISE freeing any residue of repressed energy.  This simple practice is energizing.

I invite you to MAKE SOME NOISE and tune in to see where it takes you. 

ENJOY the ride!

Next Move?

It is a fact that LIFE GOES ON.

It does.

It goes on with or without our consent.

We can't stop this perpetual motion which is LIFE inviting me to ask:  NEXT MOVE?

I just got home from a workout called "Squat Party" which was 45 minutes of butt and thigh burning exercises, one after the other.  As the fitness instructor yelled Next move! I felt myself roll with and move into whatever was next.  I trusted my Self - my strength, my inner rhythm, my ability to take care of my Self  moment by moment. 

Not all changes in life are so easy to roll with but change is a constant whether we are aware of it or not.  Sometimes, we are instructed and simply do what we are told.  Other times, we follow our heart's guidance and do what we must regardless of the opinions of the peanut gallery.  We are sure-footed and we stumble.  We pick our self up and we stand taller than we knew was possible.  We hold our breath and we breathe deeper into our self enlivening our senses and connecting to life in a more profound way. 

Being with with the next move, not placing conditions on what should be, we release the tension of the opposites - our human desire to control our life experiences instead of being with it all.  Miracles happen when we are present to life as it is, making choices as to how we will use our precious energy as we move forward.

I invite you to reflect on the question:   NEXT MOVE?  Tune in to your Self and welcome the unexpected, let go of limits, stay open delighting in your own personal adventure expressing as YOU.  The mantra of the great explorers of life is:  Surprise!  Surprise!  Surprise!  Life is wondrous, indeed.

How the Hell Did I Get Here?

I have come to see there are no good days and bad days.  There are simply days filled with good and bad.  And the courage to be present to it all unfolds me and enlivens me. 

It is my life's mission to LOVE EACH DAY and LIVE IT ALL.

Coming out of an intensely harsh cycle following the sudden death of my husband, John, I have moments that jolt me and I wonder:  How the hell did I get here? And I am filled with awe at all that has led me to this moment in time.   

The human experience is the great leveler.  No one goes through life unscathed.  We all get our asses handed to us in one way or another.  Knowing this, I respect the journey of each person no matter how fu%&ed up it may seem.  The soul's journey is not so neat and tidy - it aint all pretty and we don't have to pretend it is.  We are all making our way, doing the best we can where we are with what we know.  From this place of knowing, I don't judge so my heart goes out to everyone as I cheer on the whole of humanity.  Sometimes my cheers are silent and sometimes they are explosively loud with pompoms in hand but cheer I must.

I invite you to take a pause and revisit ALL that has led you to this moment in time.  Be in awe of your journey!  When you appreciate your Self, all of you, the whole of your journey full of struggle and triumph, you can appreciate others wherever they are.   Life is so damn juicy!  Welcome it all.

Carve Your Blessings in Stone

Write your troubles in the sand. 

Carve your blessings in stone.

A sign with this saying was hanging on a friend's wall.  I had never heard it before but the truth of it resonated with me so deeply that I wanted to share it.

Oh, the power of GRATITUDE to lighten our hearts and FREE us...

We have all heard, "This too shall pass," acknowledging that the troubles we face today will fade as life moves on, tomorrows come and go clearing the old and bringing in the new.  Admittedly, I have found that platitude offensive
when I felt as if my troubles weren't acknowledged and honored by others - where they were uncomfortable with my pain and wanted me to bypass the experience and put on a happy face. But there is truly wisdom in trusting that the hell we are walking through will pass with effort and grace, counting our blessings and processing the pain.  With time, I have been able to be grateful for even the troubles that have rocked me, shattered me and dismantled my life, transforming the troubles into blessings that could now be carved into my heart and taken with me wherever I go.  Miraculous!

The image of writing my troubles with a stick into the sand and walking away, knowing the tides will come in and wash them away feels freeing to me.  And the only life I am interested in living at this point is one free of the cages - the beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, ideas and past circumstances that keep me from feeling alive.  Freedom is the ultimate blessing!  Knowing that life happens and we make choices how to transform fated events into an empowered destiny. 

I invite you to close your eyes and visualize yourself on the beach writing your troubles in the sand.  Acknowledge it all!  Any residue of past pain is essential to include so you can let the tides take even that.  Watch the waters come in and graciously wipe the slate clean.  Give thanks for all of your blessings, great and small (they are actually all GREAT).  Start with the breath you breathe, for your life, the day, the wind and go on and on and on.  Feel your heart lighten as you accept the abundance of your journey here on earth. 

(Repeat this practice over and over to enjoy more freedom in your life!)

LOVE EACH DAY (for what it is) and LIVE IT ALL (meet what comes)! 

A Good Life = A Good Death

The GREATEST ACT OF SERVICE to yourself and others is to

 LOVE YOUR LIFE! 

(Never settle for anything less.)

There will never be another day just like this one so enjoy it.

 - John Threewits

And There will never be another human being just like you so share yourself generously. - Kathy McHugh

It was a good death.  This is the final line in the movie Legends of the Fall spoken in regard to the death of Tristan, the larger than life character who women wanted to bed and men wanted to be. 

I hadn't seen that movie in years but I flipped on the TV at the houseboat stretching on the floor after a run and couldn't stop watching it.  When I heard those words:  It was a good death, I had a visceral response to them that left me disturbed, perplexed yet oddly invigorated.  John walked in from fishing just as the movie ended so I shared all that I was feeling and asked his thoughts.  

In John's  Hillbilly Zen master way, he simply said, "Yeah, Gee, a good life makes a good death."  Being wired the way I am, I wanted more so I asked him to expand on his thoughts.  "If you have a good life, it doesn't matter what the circumstances of your death are, it is also good.  A good life equals a good death."

We had no idea that within 2 months, John would meet a good death.  Right there at the houseboat, in the waters where we had played for years he would be alive one moment and dead the next.  That conversation where he shared his personal philosophy has been a healing balm for me and I too have adopted this simple yet profound belief.

This past week, my brother in-law, Chuck went to the doctor to check out a suspicious mole and found out it was melanoma.  It would take 3 days for the biopsy results to return and he would be grateful that it was stage 0 and contained to the epidermis.  But he shared that in those 3 days, he and my sister, Angie, reviewed their life, the petty things they have given energy to that wasted precious life and the things they enjoy and how they are now fiercely committed to more of that.

If we all take a pause and reflect on what makes life good and what doesn't, we can make conscious choices to let go of people and things and ways of being that no longer serve and welcome more of the goodness that makes life so damn sweet.  We don't have to wait for a health scare or crisis to really take inventory and ownership of our life.

After John died, I went through all his stuff and found a book that I had given him, "Live Like You're Dying," which included the CD by Tim McGraw.  I had written:  To the only person I know who REALLY lives every single day like he is dying...I LOVE YOU, Gee.

It was a good death.  It was a good life.

Grab FEAR By the Hand and Do What You Must!

I would rather be scared SH#%less than bored to death while there's still breath in my body.  So I invite you to join me in my mission to

 GRAB FEAR BY THE HAND and do what you must...

Fear can STOP us or FREE more of us!

(YOU CHOOSE.)

I am NOT a fan of the idea we need to diminish fear and don't believe any of us will reach a point as long as we are living where fear doesn't come to visit.  It is a part of the human experience NOT something we need to cut out,

exclude, avoid or deny.  When I hear self-help teachers spewing this crap, it pisses me off and makes me want to shout from mountaintops:  Don't buy it!  RUN!  They are teaching you to repress an instinctive, primal emotion that is part of being alive in this world. 

Acknowledging our fear is everything and takes great awareness of our Self.  We call it up, hold its hand like an old friend who came to visit, allow it to say what it came to say and then, we do what we must.

All of the heroes throughout the ages, the people we put on pedestals and project perfection on to, they have known fear intimately.  We like to think that they had some special grace or super human power, but I believe it was their choice to grab fear by the hand and take it along with them that freed them to do what we now celebrate them for. 

The Indianapolis Motor Speedway held the 100 year anniversary gala and I was invited to attend with friends.  My favorite part of the night was listening to each Indy 500 winner speak about what driving on this historic, sacred track meant to them and how winning changed their lives.  AJ Foyt, 4 time winner who is now in his 70's shared something that astonished me.  He said, "I was afraid of every lap I ever took around that track..."  And in my mind, it dawned on me And he did it anyway...WOW! 

Here's the best kept secret:  WE ARE ALL AFRAID!  It's okay.  Be with it.  Laugh at it.  Cry.  Feel it all.  And do whatever you must to live the life you came here to live.