Happy Valentine's Day! Spread the LOVE...

What if LOVE looks like YOU? 

(Express Your Self.  Be Kind.  LOVE Big.)

It is difficult for me to imagine why so many people hate Valentine's Day.  Perhaps it is the pressure of trying to do it right or the ghosts of past Valentine's Days still haunting them.  It makes me laugh to hear people balk at a holiday that invites us to pause and acknowledge those we love with cards, texts, emails, candy, flowers and gifts. 

I received 3 Valentine's cards in the mail and was so touched by the generosity of my friends who sent them.  One was even the old fashioned kind that I used to get as a kid which led me to revisit the ritual of passing out cards at school to the entire class and receiving cards from my classmates.  I remember that there was a bit of nervousness over the fear that the boy I liked wouldn't like me or a boy I didn't like would like me.  But all FUN stuff!

My favorite part of Valentine's Days with my late-husband, John, was the cards he gave me over the years.  He could never choose just one so he bought 3 or 4 to express all he was feeling about me and us.  The cards were humorous, romantic, silly, sentimental and so sincere...truly an expression of him.  He would add personal love notes in each which led him to declare, "I am a romantic son-of-a-bitch, aren't I Gee?"  I agreed whole-heartedly, appreciating the man he was and l delighted in the fact that he patted himself on the back so I joined in, patting him some more for his romantic gestures.  I pulled those cards out this morning, soaking in the memories, remembering the joy, seeing his handwriting and feeling the LOVE leap off the card which had me crying tears of gratitude.  These cards are truly treasures!  They are physical evidence of the life we shared.

My big Valentine's plan this evening is taking myself to see the latest movie by Nicholas Sparks:  Safe Haven.  I know it is sappy but I actually love sappy.  It makes me feel good.  I bought myself a bag of special Valentine's Day peanut butter M&M's to take along with me.  They are pink, white and red.  So festive and yummy!   

Try not to get caught up in the hoopla of the holiday, stressing over the card and the gift and the big plans.  I promise you that it is all about the LOVE that is behind what you say, do and give so share your heart generously.  If the one you are with can't appreciate that, you may want to run the other way as fast as you can.  Life is far too short or perhaps too long, to spend it with those who don't appreciate us. 

I say:  LOVE BIG or go home!  Have fun spreading the love by expressing
your Self through kindness all day long... 

LOVE TO YOU ALL this day and all your days! xo

Spring is BREAKing...

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings a tune without the words and never stops at all... - Emily Dickinson



Spring is breaking through.  There has still been a biting cold in the breeze with the temperature reaching into the 40's but the sunshine is working it's magic.  Yesterday, I sat by the french doors in my bedroom writing where the sun graciously drenched me and my kitties.  This was a little piece of heaven.  It thrills me to suddenly see the daffodils sprouting all around my property.  My cement statue of St. Francis has bright green clovers sprinkled all around it as if they are growing out of his feet.  The trees are budding and the birds are serenading the world perched on the branches.  The days are longer with the sun rising earlier and the sun setting later with each passing day. Woohoo!

The overall mood of everyone I encountered yesterday was elevated.  Even though I am one of those rare fans of winter, I am not in denial over the harshness of this season and its brutal effect on our energy levels and emotional states.    

This morning as I headed out my door, the poetic lyrics of James Taylor's Walking Man came to mind:  The frost is on the pumpkin as everything is covered with a thin layer of frost but the air feels like Spring.  We are in that in between space - it's not quite Spring and Winter is on its way out.  It helps to look for the evidence, the signs that a new season, new life is coming through this day.

I invite you to join me in making a list of your favorite things about this day.  This will place your focus on the goodness and shift your mood to one of gratitude in acknowledging the abundace of life (on any given day!). 

Tender Moments: CAREgiving...

 I never wanted to be a nurse or a mother but became both as a caregiver to my brother, mom and husband.  As I type this, I hear these words echo in my mind:  If you wanna' make God laugh tell'em your plans and I can't help but chuckle.  Here I was this take-charge entrepreneur who knew how to get shit done, to make tough choices, to create solutions overcoming whatever challenges I faced.  Then, cancer came knocking.

My brother, Michael, was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer almost 10 years ago.  Our first conversation was purely strategic, mapping out the plan of how to fight this fight and beat it.  I could do this all day long.  This was my comfort zone.  And I was actually good at researching and asking questions, advocating for my brother.  But soon, I would discover that there was no fixing, managing or controlling the big C.

I found myself in new territory, surrendering my manic drive to solve the problem and going into my heart and soul.  From this space, I could be present to Michael, asking his wants and desires and wishes and listening with no judgment, doing everything in my power; I was absolutely there in the moment with him to serve in any way that he needed.  My agenda was out the window as it would only create a barrier and he needed all of me.

His anger, his fear, his resentment, his humor, his laughter, his coping tools, his moments of crazy and terror - I could hold space for all of it.  Nothing was too big.  And this was absolutely beyond me as the heavens intervened and took my stubborn will that had served me well but just wasn't useful under these circumstances.  

He would thank me for being with him, his wife and his sons.  I was struck by his gratitude as I knew I was being given a gift that would transform my life, teaching me the power of my presence, the miracle of being fully with another human being when he is most vulnerable. 

There is such wisdom on the death bed!  The person transitioning from this life to the after life is deeply connected to the essence of who they truly are: the soul. And in his connection, Michael helped me dip my toe into this healing water that freed and nourished like nothing else.  He cut through the crap that often bogs down our lives, experienced profound clarity, appreciated the precious gift of this life and all life, said whatever needed to be said and inspired those who were privileged to witness him become more alive as he was dying.  The last 6 months of Michael's life, we were so in the moment, we lived lifetimes within days.  It was heartbreaking AND it was AWEsome.

I would never have wished for Michael's illness and ultimately his death, but I am eternally grateful for the experience that showed me I am far more than I knew I was.  I may have never wanted to be a mother or a nurse but LOVE would motivate me to do what was put in front of me.

☼        ☼        ☼   

 

**Below is a story of caregiving for my mom.  I have a million and one stories but really love the tenderness of this experience and I hope you feel this too.

Tender Moments excerpt from my book:                          

My brother Michael died on a Wednesday afternoon, and Mom almost followed him two days later. She had a urinary tract infection that had caused sepsis. Her friend Carolyn had stopped by early that morning on her way to work and found Mom crawling around, her nightgown covered in feces; she was too weak to stand even with her walker. By the time we got her to the hospital, her kidneys were shutting down, so they did all that they could to kill off the infection. Antibiotics saved her life by clearing her body of the bad bacteria, but they also took away the good bacteria that prevent infection. A few days after she returned home, she was experiencing chronic diarrhea, which turned out to be C. difficile bacteria that had entered her colon as a result of her treatment for sepsis. She was hospitalized again for another week.

When we got Mom home, she was listless, bones with skin covering them. We had to hold her up and walk her from the bathroom to the sofa and in the evening to the bed. The doctors encouraged her to eat whatever she could get down, but the fear of it coming out the other end seized her appetite.

I was bathing her as she sat naked on a peach cotton towel that covered the toilet lid. She thanked me in an exhausted whisper. I was nervous about embarrassing her, so her thank-you helped soothe my anxiety. As I was rinsing the wash cloth in the bathroom sink, she told me that she had bathed her mom in this same spot 20 years before. She went on to say that her mom hated that she had to be bathed by her daughter. I listened. She gently thanked me again as I placed her nightgown over her head. Tears streamed down her face as silence fell. I said, “You must miss your mom,” to which she nodded in agreement. I understood, because I missed mine, too.

In the midst of mourning my mom of yesterday, I felt more powerfully than ever before the circle of life. It was an honor to care for her in such a vulnerable state, and I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else. She not only trusted me; she thanked me for doing what daughters do. This was my thank-you to her.

YOU are BEAUTYfull...YOU Grow into Your Self

                                You are BEAUTYfull. 

YOU Grow into Your Self.

While at the doctor's office last Friday, the nurse escorted me to the scale. This used to cause severe heart palpitations even full on panic attacks with burning hot flashes but I have had a huge shift in perception over the years .  I no longer measure my worth by the number on the scale or use it as a weapon of shame against myself.  It is simply information.

When she measured my height, she kindly commented that I was "nice and tall" and shared how she had always wanted to be tall.   I told her about my mom being petite (5' 2") like her and how I always felt like an amazon next to her, wishing I was small.  And then, one day, I liked being tall.  Adding:  I guess YOU GROW INTO YOUR SELF.

As I spoke those words, the vibration was one of pure delight in the clarity, fully understanding my journey, the process of life that had organically led me to this place.  Miraculous!  Over the years, I had come to see the beauty of what is, integrating the pieces of me I had rejected through the power of acceptance.  There is nothing more beautiful than growing into your Self. 

Always remember:  YOU are BEAUTYfull exactly as you are!  And as you accept this, you will grow into your Self, your highest expression of Self:  mind, body, heart and soul.

Below is an excerpt from my book Passing On Hope from the chapter:  Tender Moments.  It is a story of misperception, living out an old belief that gripped me and the healing possible when we are open and present to the moments of our life so the TRUTH can rise.

    ☼        ☼        ☼                               

Aunt Judy, who is Mom’s youngest sister, gave her a few photos that she had taken of me when I was five years old. Mom was in one of the shots with me that captured our matching profiles, bangs cutting our long foreheads in half, full eyebrows sculpted above our eyes, narrow noses with a long slope, plump bottom lips, and rounded chins that arched into our necks. We were wearing chocolate sleeveless mock turtlenecks that Mom had sewn for us. Mine had a label, “Homemade for my special little girl, Kathy,” just like clothes from Sears or L.S. Ayres, only better.

That picture was the first time that I had ever seen a resemblance between Mom and me. Mom, petite at 5 feet 2 inches and always weighing roughly 100 pounds, appeared to be my opposite since I have been 5 feet, 7 inches since seventh grade and have weighed far more than 100 pounds most of my life. As I handed Mom the photo, I remarked how much I looked like her. She let out a sigh of delight as she viewed the photo closely, saying, “You sure were a pretty lil’ thing.”

I instinctively burst into tears hearing those words that I craved as a child. As I caught my breath, I apologized for my outburst, telling her with my crying voice that I never knew she thought I was pretty. Trying to decide if I wanted to tell her more of the truth, I paused to regain my composure and then told her that I never felt pretty as a child, seeing myself as dirty and ugly. This ended our conversation, as she stiffened up with her uneasiness, and I was afraid of hurting her with my perceptions of the past. There was no benefit to dredging up what was no longer true. Knowing that she thought I was pretty mended whatever part of me had hung onto the belief all of these years that I was ugly and dirty.

A month later, on Christmas, we watched 35-mm reels of home movies. We laughed hysterically as we revisited our past as a family—Christmases, graduations, weddings, Easters, trips to Santa Claus Land, football games, parties. Margee, Maureen, and I, also known as “the three little girls,” modeled our Easter dresses that Mom had made especially for us. There I was all of three years old—whole, perfect, and beautiful with my whitewashed curly blond hair and my bright yellow dress. There was nothing dirty or ugly about this little girl. She was so confident that she did a turn to show the back of the dress and decided to lift it so everyone could see her matching ruffled panties. I scooped up this memory of that little girl and placed her in my heart and soul, where she now permanently resides.

Rainy Days and Sundays...

Rainy days and Sundays (especially rainy Sundays) always get me to chill, to live life at a slug's pace, to postpone as much as I can on my "to do" list and roll with my relaxed mood.  It is as if the whole of the world is united with me in this downshift into Jamaica mode:  no worries...no hurry, Mon.

Now, I love a sunshiny day as much as the next person.  Even in the most frigid temps of winter, I will put my face toward the sun and breathe in the glory it offers and have a ritual of laying on my hill bundled in winter garb as if I were sunbathing on the beach.  But when it is sunny, I get more restless to go out and play, do errands or get things done, making it impossible for me to hibernate and experience the joys of this alternate way of living.

The seasons are always changing inviting us to join them, to learn the art of balance between being and doing...being and doing.  Making the most of our days is a rich way to live even the days we want to wish away where we curse the weather that just won't cooperate with our desires.  

I wrote this poem sitting on top of my houseboat on Labor Day weekend 2009 as I mourned the summer that seemed to slip away over night taking all the adventures that happen in that season with it.  Fall's nip was in the air and the leaves on the trees were dawning new coats of gold and magenta with orange splashes.  Whether I liked it or not, change was happening so I chose to roll with it after I had kicked and screamed a bit.

 

A Moment of Clarity…

The seasons are always changing – inviting us to come along!

Reminding us how spectacular change is – how essential it is

to the growth of the planet and to the growth of all creatures.

In nature there is death and rebirth, death and rebirth.

 And the seasons do this in effortless surrender

Let us follow their lead

Sweet surrender…Ahhhhhhhh!

Death to the “I” and Rebirth into the “WE” – This is eternal life

Not of body but of this ever-expanding soul that aches to sprout wings

More glorious than the mind can image.

Bless the changing seasons!

They are a mirror showing us all our magnificence that is a birthright

Not something we must earn

Or something we must learn…

It simply is.

Cultivate KINDNESS...

WHAT IF WE CAN ALL BE ASSHOLES FROM TIME TO TIME?

(Take Your Turn.  Be HUMAN.  It makes you less righteous.)

In honor of today being my late-husband, John's birthday, I felt compelled to write about kindness as this was truly an effortless way of being for him.  AND he could also be an asshole (albeit far less than me) from time to time just like the rest of us. 

I always feel bad for celebrities who get caught on film being assholes and the clip plays over and over as the masses play judge and juror, pretending to be perfect and superior.  When I see these clips, I honestly think to myself that every person has had a similar moment (well, I KNOW I have!) when the ugliest parts of us COME OUT TO ROAR.  While I know it feels much better when I am kind, it is unrealistic to believe I am not an asshole from time to time.

As a coach, people welcome me into their lives, baring their souls as they share and allowing a level of vulnerability that brings healing.  Perfectionism is the source of immeasurable torture in our culture.  Perfectionism - not in a balanced energy where a person aspires to do their very best, but in an abusive energy where a person holds their self to an impossible standard, beating their self up compulsively for the inability to live up to this ideal, not allowing for the humanness.  Perfectionism that I see is motivated by shame and guilt not out of self-love that makes healthy choices to honor their highest potential. 

When I posed the question to one couple:  What if we can all be assholes from time to time?  This inquiry was transforming for them.  It made them laugh out loud and now, they admit that when one of them is in the middle of an asshole moment, they check their self and take responsibility, owning this behavior - finding the humor instead of picking up the bat to beat their self up with shame and guilt.  They even agreed to a percentage and made a sign for their fridge:  15% ASSHOLE.  This new way of being has even made them more kind not just to each other but to everyone else they encounter. 

When we appreciate our own humanness, we truly begin to appreciate the humanness of others, making us less righteous and more accepting of even the ugliest parts that we want to wish away.  Instead of pushing away what we are ashamed of, it is more healing to be kind to ourself, befriending and integrating all of us.

Below is a workshop that I did 4 years ago:  CULTIVATING KINDNESS!  It is indeed a worthy practice simply because it feels so damn good to be kind and it starts with your self so be generous.

Cultivating KINDNESS:

COMMIT to The Practice…

It all starts with a commitment to practice kindness!  Choice by choice, moment by moment, day by day, we practice KINDNESS as a way of being.  Apologize when you aren’t kind, forgive yourself, ask for a do-over and try again and again and again. 

OBSERVE Your Life Compassionately…

Patiently & kindly observe yourself and the world around you – BE PRESENT in your life.  Observing your words, your feelings, your choices, your behaviors, your body talk, your beliefs, your interactions with others, you become AWARE.  In this awareness, you can mindfully live your life.

HONOR Your Needs…

KINDNESS starts with being kind to yourself!  Your relationship with yourself impacts all relationships.  Know what your needs are and give yourself permission to take care of yourself every single day.  Find ways to de-stress: go for a walk, move your body, eat healthy, sleep, take a breather, be with good friends, go to the park, sing, dance – whatever YOU need!

ENJOY Your Life… 

Schedule Downtime.  Just be.  Say “No.” You will blossom in the white spaces on your calendar!  Do not over-schedule your life and let the burden of your obligations drain you.  Make time for the things you absolutely ENJOY!  After all, this is YOUR life.

CONNECT with Yourself and Others…

We crave connection!  When you can connect with yourself, you can connect with others.  A smile, making eye contact, saying “Hello!” and listening generously are simple yet powerful acts of KINDNESS.

AVOID Nothing…

When you meet whatever comes your way head on, you can make the choices necessary to move through any circumstances.  Avoidance makes everything pile up, overwhelming you and depleting your energy.  Honest conversations clear the air and make room for solutions.

STOP Fighting to Be Right…

Allow others to have their own points of view and express their opinions.  Respectfully listen even if you do not agree.  No one wins when we have to make someone wrong so we can be right!

GIVE Thanks…

There are no two words more powerful when spoken from the heart than “THANK YOU.”  Be an appreciator!  Appreciate and acknowledge the gifts of each day and each person in your life.  Go to gratitude all day long and watch your life expand in beautiful ways.

LIGHTEN Up…

Laughter heals, releasing a vibration of joy in simply being alive.  Don’t take yourself or life too seriously.  Be playful and look for reasons to laugh and invite humor into all of your days.

DWELL in The Possibilities…

Attitude is everything!  Shift your perceptions.  Be the change.  BELIEVE!  If you think nothing will ever get better, it won’t; if you believe that something is impossible, it is.  When you see the possibilities, feel the possibilities and live the possibilities, you create an expansive life of adventure and wonder.



Mining for Gold: Discovering ALL That You Are!

Yesterday, while getting my car serviced at the dealership, I pulled out my laptop and set up my temporary work station in the lounge area when a talk show came on the TV that featured a couple fighting and belligerently spewing venom at each other for "entertainment" sake.  The 2 men in the lobby reacted with nervous laughter shaking their heads with disgust.  I asked them:  Did you turn on this crap?  And we laughed some more.  

Admitting to the guys that I am not above watching total crap on TV but nothing like this show which was hijacking my nervous system.  Our bantering continued and one of them said that he and his wife are hooked on the new show on Discovery:  "Mining for Gold" or a title something like that.  He told me an overview which led us to a deep discussion about how primal mining for gold is; it ignites our pioneering spirit that longs to find treasures within and in the material world.  Those that set out to mine for gold desperate to survive often gave their very lives for the pursuit and how unfathomable that is to us in our modern culture.  And yet, the inner journey, the call to discover MORE of who we are, costs us the life that "was", dismantling belief systems that connected us to friends, family and communities - all that was familiar. 

As I drove away from the dealership, I felt grateful for the conversation with the stranger, the nameless man who indulged me in my incessant exploration of what drives (me) humanity.  And I remembered my first workshop that I ever led:  Mining for Gold:  Discovering ALL That You are!  Remember:  We teach what we most need to learn...And boy oh boy!  I am still learning and loving every minute of the experience of this life.

Below is an outline of the workshop:  ENJOY!

Mining For Gold:

Discovering All That You Are!

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

 Tools for Mining Your Gold…

Stay the Course:

The journey of life is like the board game Chutes and Ladders – Just when we think we’ve mastered it, climbing ladder after ladder and the finish line seems near, a chute appears out of nowhere and we slide backwards.  We will never know it all or figure it all out so the goal is always progress NOT perfection.  The key is to pick ourselves up, stay focused on what we want to achieve and never give up!

Train the Puppy:

We must challenge ourselves to break patterns that no longer serve us.  This is tough like training a puppy so we have to be committed to the process. It is easy to focus on what we think others should and shouldn’t do; but to bring real and lasting change, we must focus on ourselves. 

Observe Life:

Patiently and compassionately observe yourself and the world around you like a scientist in a lab.  Acknowledge what is and isn't serving you.   Most of us are used to reacting to circumstances, life's dramas, whatever is being said or to how we are feeling instead of stepping back and being the observer and choosing from an empowered place how we want to respond.

Be Responsible for Your Life:

This is YOUR life.  Blaming others, we give them power over our lives.  Taking responsibility for our lives, our choices, how we show up in the world, we step into our own power where we become victors instead of victims.  All life experiences teach us what we need to learn if we are present and open.  Power question:  “What if the only thing standing in the way of all that you desire is YOU and your choices?”

Stop the Fight to Be Right:

No one wins when we are fighting to be right instead of respecting the various views and opinions of others.  By all means:  Have an opinion!  We all have the right to speak our truth and hold that dear; but this doesn’t mean we are right and others are wrong or vice versa.  Life isn’t black and white; it is a sea of gray.

Love Yourself and Honor Yourself:

Appreciate all that makes you "you"...ALL of it!  Learn to love and honor yourself no matter what even in the moments that you don't find yourself so lovable.  We can’t give others what we don’t give ourselves.  Love and honor yourself in all that you say, all that you think and all that you do. 

Be Grateful:

Breathe in; breathe out…start with being grateful to be alive!  Be grateful for all that makes you, you.  You can lift yourself any time of day by taking a mental inventory of all that makes you feel grateful.  Gratitude instantly shifts our energy and opens us to the abundance of life.

Dwell in the Possibilities:

If we think nothing will ever get better or improve, it won’t.  We must tap into the wonderful gift of our imagination where all things are possible.  When we see the possibilities, feel the possibilities and live the possibilities day by day, choice by choice, we become more of who we are and have more to give the world!

Kathy McHugh, Author of Passing On Hope