I welcome ALL of Me
The parts of me
That I want to judge as fu%&ed up
That don’t fit into a pretty box
That let others know I am fully human
That I have tried to fix but won’t go away
As they are ALL fueled by human emotions
Which enliven me
In the honesty they reveal
Connecting me to Truth
Not some version of what I think should be
Not pretending that I am above the fallibility
The parts of me
That I view as gifts
The essence of who I am
A soul expressing as Kathy
In LOVE with life
Honored and privileged
That I am here
Come what may.
While out on my run this morning, the words: all of me…this day, I welcome ALL of me echoed from my heart and danced around me without thought as I soaked up the wisdom. To be okay with my Self wherever I am, to allow all of me to show up, moment by moment has come from living with complete acceptance of my humanness; understanding wherever I am is where I am and being present to it without judgment frees me. Judging my Self, making my Self bad or wrong, I clog my energy with tinges of shame and guilt and expectation of perfection. And I really want the well of vitality to fuel my days so I consciously choose to allow all of me.
Yesterday was 2 years and 9 months since John died. On the 17th of every month, I acknowledge the passing of time and give thanks for my arrival in this new lifetime within my lifetime as I feel him fully integrated within me. It is beyond my doing that I don’t mentalize and play the story over and over longing for what was, but that being said, feelings do bubble up in the most unexpected ways. On my way to the lake Friday, I stopped by a friend of John’s to pick up my slalom ski, ski vest and some other junk that had been in an old boat that I sold. John’s friend, this burly mountain man with coveralls and a looming beard that devoured his face teared up setting his blue eyes aglow as he spoke of John, missing him and expressing to me the gift of their connection. I was deeply touched and felt hot tears fall over my face. I thanked him and headed down the road to unload my stuff at the dock so I could get on with my weekend of fun on the water.
As I pulled into the dock area parking lot, there was an SUV swerving from side to side being silly, acting as if he were going to hit his friends standing outside. I let this go on for a few minutes before tapping my horn to let them know I wanted around them. A guy standing there yelled: Bitch! To which I swiftly responded with my middle finger waving: Fu%* you! If that were me doing what your buddy is doing and you were in my seat, you’d be calling me a dumb bitch so I am a bitch for speaking up. The guy just stood there and I drove on.
Walking the dock with my wheel barrel overflowing with skis and supplies, I began to cry feeling all that I missed down to John picking me up in his fishing boat with his arms open welcoming me to the lake, smiling wide at the sight of me – truly, happy to see me and anticipating all the fun we would have on our lake adventure. The guy who called me a bitch triggered my anger, the depth of feeling I have around John not being physically here with me anymore. My response to him was from anger needing to be released in ways that I didn’t even recognize at the time. I hadn’t had time to process the exchange with John’s friend because I wanted to wait to get to the houseboat, safe to be with whatever I was feeling but life is moment to moment and can be messy and can’t always be fit into pretty boxes that we tuck away to deal with later. Feelings left unexpressed will show up in some fu$%ed up ways and there is power in allowing this without judgment, shame or guilt. Wow! This is freedom.
The invitation this day is to welcome ALL of you – the parts you judge as fu%$ed up and the parts you absolutely love. Allow yourself the freedom to be human. Let go of perfectionism that requires pretending and dishonesty fueling the low energies of shame and guilt. Stand in ALL of you AND love it…as it is. That’s divine!