Monday, March 25, 2013

Free Falling...

Life requires us all to free fall. 
Sometimes, it is so easy, an effortless leap where we don't miss a beat. 
Sometimes, it comes from the ground crumbling beneath our feet.
Either way, the fall takes us into the unknown, where we have never been.
If we want to live, we must let go.
If we want to die, we must let go.
New life emerges in the letting go.

Tom Petty's song Free Fallin' released in 1989 is still a favorite of mine.  From the first time I heard it, it took me into a knowing that free falling is a part of life, stirring my innate desire to liberate my Self.  The video showcased a gorgeous girl in her own world, riding a skateboard experiencing freedom as she flowed with the winds back and forth.  

The need to be free, to liberate our Self is an imprint within each of us.  No matter where we are in our life, no matter what we have accomplished, there is always more to free.  Sometimes, the free fall is effortless, where we willingly go where we must.  Sometimes, we go kicking and screaming as the ground crumbles beneath us.  Either way, the fall takes us into the unknown, where we have never been.  And new life emerges as we go where we have never been, as all that is inessential is stripped away. 

Below is a journal entry of mine that I recently discovered.  I don't remember writing it but the higher wisdom that came through onto the page fills me.  It is day 487 of my free fall after John's death.  I share it with you hoping it will companion you as you experience free falling throughout your life.  May you know that when the falls come and they will, you are not alone.  There is a love so vast that it holds us, strips us, protects us and takes us into our Self so we can liberate more life than we knew was possible. 

The freedom I know today cost me EVERYTHING!  And with this in mind at all times, I choose to use this gift every day of my life.

I was in the bathroom and woosh!  I felt myself drop into another dimension where I knew with every fiber of my being that all I must do is allow, let go, free fall.  There had been a silent message from John the day before as I walked through the woods:  If you want to live, let go.  If you want to die, let go.  I cried as I continued to walk because I embodied this truth and it freed the residue of all I was clinging to and the release brought a welcomed vitality.  This is grace at work.  It is nothing I have done or have forced to happen.  This is so grounding and healing as I continue to liberate my Self from that which strips me of the abundance that is life.  To the rational mind this would sound insane but this is truth, pure sanity, veils lifting, new life hatching.  I am meeting and merging with the One, the soul force of the universe, the Great Creator, the God that animates all life.  Nothing is the same – the views within and without are profound and indescribable, a freedom to be, a knowing that nothing can harm me really, a knowing that all is whole, perfect and complete.  There is a soul’s sight that flushes out illusions of the material world.  Illusions are falling.  I step into limitlessness, timelessness, infinity, the totality of LIFE.  My breath is swirling in my body and beyond – my heart is OPEN and ready to serve by being love, being peace, being joy, being ME, flaws and all.  No longer defined by the labels; no long ego-identified, no longer making choices from a fear of death, no longer thinking that I must fix things or know it all or figure it out.  I am free.  I sit here more alive in my body, fully present to what is.  My life is essential to all life and all life is essential to my life.  The oneness is the only truth and from this knowing, all false gods I have worshipped are dismantled.  This is freedom. 
I have no interest in telling others how to live their lives or what to do.  I only want them to find their way to life, to feel alive on this earthly journey.  To be knocked down by life, perched on your knees or flat on your belly and find a way to stand again.  This is the power of the human spirit to prevail over circumstances we wouldn’t wish for, try like hell to avoid and dread when we witness others in the storm.  We are such miraculous creatures…creatures of soul, enduring the unendurable, enlivened by own death (psycho-spiritual), rising from the dead again and again and again like Lazarus, freeing our Self from the rubble when the skies fall, when the life we carefully constructed and protected blows into bits, when we lie there now ashes and have no fucking idea where the winds will blow us or if a phoenix will lift us to new heights – to life beyond the life we knew, when we want to die as we experience heartbreak that echoes throughout our being – shards of glass cutting away, slicing us into unrecognizable pieces.  How will we be reconstructed?  When small talk is so fucking noisy that we want to scream, “Shut the fuck up….please.”  When the disconnect from life as we knew it leaves us swirling into the cosmos even as we sit in the same chair, wearing the same clothes, looking the same physically, living in the same house, driving the same car, doing the same rituals and errands we have done for years.  The paradox:  Everything is the same and nothing is the same.  You are a stranger in your own life, in your own mind, body and spirit.  You recognize nothing yet everything is familiar.  You drop into pockets of new realities and want to take others with you but they can’t come along.  No one can go with you.  This is indeed a solo journey into the Self, the One, the soul.  It is lonely and it is the warmth of a crowd so vast and full of love you feel you might burst.  There is a spiral ride, swirling you around and around and you think you might vomit and sometimes you do and then, out of nowhere things shift and you laugh with delight as it all becomes a playful carnival ride.  Hands in the air, screaming for it to stop and screaming for more, wanting to do it again and again.  When death comes, it is a ride like no other, an adventure so full of life, so alive as it dunks you into oceans unknown and familiar sweeping you down under in the current, whisking you away – to where?  Hell, you don’t fucking know.  You laugh like a mad woman from the depths of you and it shoots all around you and you love the madness as it is true, authentic – so alive.  You now know the power of being with the madness, the wildness, the crazy.  Kindred souls in the form of family and friends can hold space for the crazy, the madness, the wildness after they have drunk from the well.  This elixir is like no other.  You are drunk on life, a life you could have never imagined, a life that leaves you in awe even when you are fucking terrified wanting to grip what was but you can’t – it just won’t take ahold any longer because it doesn’t exist anymore.  It is dead.  It is not part of your reality.  You know it has all led you here, to this moment, this moment that is so alive it rushes through so vibrantly and expresses more life than you alone could bring through.  You free fall.  And let life take you where it will.

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