Monday, April 8, 2013

Kathy Doesn't Live Here Anymore.

Returning HOME from wherever I have traveled over the years
had brought a sense of anticipation as the LOVE of this space had companioned me day after day through whatever life brought my way.
There was a vacuum of safety,
an energy of restfulness in the midst of this chaotic world,
Until there wasn't.
And in an instant I knew:  KATHY DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. 

Less than 24 hours before the revelation that it was time to move embodied me, I spoke to a friend while we ate dinner in Nashville about my sincere love for and connection with my home.  I shared with her that I couldn't imagine living anywhere else, describing the country setting, the way I feel in the space and my plans to renovate in order to make it my own instead of preserving the way things were when John was alive.

As I drove home up I65 North, everything felt different.  Something had shifted within me that I had not consciously participated in.  This drive that used to fill me with the joy of adventure, cruising down an open road with music blaring, dancing to the beat with ideas churning and springing forward was dulled by a heaviness that I tried to shake off but was beyond my will so I leaned into it in order to listen and extract the wisdom.

4 1/2 hours later, I walked in the door with luggage in tow.  In an instant, my home had become a cage.  I knew with the intensity of absolute truth that if I stayed there, I would wither in the comforts of it.  But if I dared to fly through the cage door that had opened, I would experience a new life that I was starved for and didn't even know it until that moment.  How could this be?  It is mystical, my soul's journey unfolding in ways I could never have planned.  This home that had been far more than bricks and mortar, that had contained my hopes and my dreams, that had been a sanctuary, an enduring foundation that held me through the 16 years I lived there was no longer.  And the stark realization was that the Kathy of yesterday that had lived there was no longer.  Kathy doesn't live here anymore...

The home address is 6260 which adds to "5" (6+2+6+0=14 reduced 1+4=5) had expressed the "5" energy to the fullest extent:  FREEDOM that comes from change - some welcomed with excitement and some not but all the changes an opportunity to set more of me free.  ADVENTURE and EXPERIMENTATION - setting sail throughout life day in and day out.  Living life through the 5 senses fueling the passion that lives within and must come out to play.  Coming into my body more alive with a strength that matched my heart, soul and mind.  Dancing with my beloved, John, in ways that shocked the hell out of both of us as we loved bigger than we knew was possible experiencing a depth of healing that only the miracle of LOVE can create.  Traveling to new places within the world and within myself to know how to use this power.  Honoring the restlessness and boredom that led me into personal Odysseys like writing my book, selling my business, becoming a coach, numerologist and speaker.  The gratitude leaps from my chest as I give thanks for it all!

There is a country song written and recorded by Miranda Lambert called The House That Built Me.  When I would hear this song, it would make me tear up as I connected with the message of how our experiences in a home create an enduring foundation, an inner fortification that we get to take with us wherever we go in life.  My soul must have known even the first time I heard this song that all roads would lead me here to this new life of untethered roaming, discovering that home is indeed wherever my heart is so I must allow this home to companion me now wherever the inner winds blow me throughout the rest of my days.

The Kathy of today may not live in the home anymore but I am more alive than I have ever been, following the compass innately within that will continue to shock the hell out of me as I experience this grand adventure for as long as it lasts.

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