Today I am 45

 

What does this mean?

I don’t know

I live in the UNKNOWN

But I do KNOW

With all of my heart

Who I am

Today

Beyond my age

Beyond my experiences

I am a Soul on fire

A Spirit FREE

Expressing in ways

Not possible

Before

This moment

This place on my journey

Where JOY abounds

Where PASSION fuels

Where LOVE is

Where HOPE awakens more

Where GRACE swirls & dances me

I wouldn’t change a thing

Not because I couldn’t

Because I KNOW with all of me

Every step has led me here

To this Heart Based Life

Nothing to defend

Nothing to explain

Just life to be lived

And

 MORE will be revealed

As I continue to show up

Day by day

Come what may

Both feet planted

Grounded in a sense of Self

That has come from living thus far

And who I will be tomorrow

I haven’t a clue

But I know I will LOVE her UP!

Right where she is

Delighting in the SURPRISES

No longer a fixed idea of who I should be

No longer locked in the Cage

Of my own making

And made of cultural expectations

DANCING wildly & spontaneously

To my inner rhythm

The worlds within me SINGing

BRILLIANTly

Inviting MORE play

My happiness no longer contingent

Upon others

Upon life going my way

This is MY LIFE

My most precious gift

This I KNOW with all of me

I am the offering

I give my Self

My LOVE of life

My PASSION

My JOY

And

The MIRACLE is

I KNOW this is enough

I KNOW that I am enough

I carry an abiding “THANK YOU” in my heart!

Imagine my great surprise to feel so damn young at age 45, to not feel identified by my age in the least living agelessness in a way I never knew was possible.  Not trying to be 20 or 30 or another age other than 45, I only wish to honor this burning desire to come alive more and more and more, drinking from this well of passion within me that allows spontaneity, surprise and play as I live in the OPEN every single day.  I had felt old my whole life!  When I turned 40, I was like:  It’s about fu#%ing time!  I have felt 40 since I was 10.  There was some relief in arriving at an age that mirrored my inner life, my soul’s journey that came into this world wise beyond my years, knowing things that most my age and actually most much older didn’t know; and being unable to contain the enormity of this depth which made life confusing and heavy.  I was both an old soul possessing a wealth of wisdom and a human with limited understanding.  I longed to trust my higher Self, hearing the call of my soul and this was made possible on the other side of crazy following the death of my late-husband, John, almost 3 years ago.  Everything I had identified as was untethered – truly, a gift from the heavens as I was completely rewired:  mind, body, heart and soul.  The freedom I now live in, the person I am, my ability to be unconditionally present to life, the level of joy I experience for a million reasons and no reason at all came from living through my own death, making my pain sacred, exercising no restraint as I befriended “widow turrets” cursing wildly through screaming fits, welcoming the grace even when I laid there in a ball wondering how the fu%# I could endure this much pain and live, mothering my Self fiercely with abiding love that I had never permitted before and letting what’s next?! organically come one day at a time.  I found a way to live when life absolutely sucked accepting: this is life! John gifted me with his life and is gifting me in his death if I choose to USE this experience.  And in this revelation, I claimed my life as I never had before as the most precious gift I have been given and knowing this ain’t no dress rehearsal, I pull the curtains wide open every day and LIVE!

The essay below is an excerpt from my book Passing On Hope.  I wrote it 8 years ago and although I recognize that girl appreciating where she was and love her with all of my heart, I am not her.  I stand in this day grateful for all that has been and for who I have been, for all that is and for who I am today and I am thrilled with anticipation as my journey continues into who I will become and all that is to be.  I let go and reach for more!  I love each day and live it all! My life mantra is SURPRISE!  SURPRISE!  SURPRISE! and this makes me giggle like the child I never was but am becoming as I grow younger living in the wonder.

 

Today I am 37

“She was learning to love moments. To love moments for themselves.” —Gwendolyn Brooks

Today I am 37 years old. This is the first birthday that I can remember having to actually think about my age. Most of my life, I anxiously anticipated being older so much that I would start to say I was the age I was going to be on my next birthday. I am not the same person I was this time last year, and I don’t anticipate being the same person next year that I am now. I live my life at a different pace with various textures that continue to shape me into something new, something more.

Living more in the past and in the future than in the present over the last 13 years, I had to leave behind this way of life that had left me rushing to get to the future or incessantly visiting the past in an attempt to figure it out or fix it. It was difficult to leave the chaos behind. The past was familiar, and I took pride in how well I thought I had overcome it. People thought that I had it all together, but if they could have entered my mind for 5 minutes, they would have been exhausted and possibly disturbed by the endless chatter of doubt, worry, and more worry.

Here I am, no longer young but far from old. It is dawn, and I am basking in the glorious sunrise. The day is breaking, and the sky is a work of art reminding me that this is a new day. The sky has never been exactly as it is in this moment, and neither have I. As I watch the autumn sky over the tree line, I am energized. The white clouds are layered with purple and gray, accenting the brilliant rays of light boldly shining through. Perfection. The rays burn brighter as they break through the clouds. We are like this when we refuse to let the dark times overshadow our light. It may appear to be easier to hide behind the clouds, but it is necessary and natural to let our light shine.

Pausing to observe the day breaking is a gift for me. My heart slows, and a sense of peace washes through my body. I gratefully accept the gift of this moment and whatever the moments of this day bring. Life is as wondrous as the sunrise. This makes me smile and silently say, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, God!”

The garbage men are busy, but even the sounds of breaking bottles and smashing trash can’t take away my peace. These sounds are merely background noise in my life, like the clock ticking, the birds singing, the house creaking. Peace cannot be altered from external factors; it can only be altered within us. This is a grand way to be in the world!

There is no to-do list playing through my head taking me out of this moment. There is no overscheduled day to rush me out the door. There is no phone ringing to pull me away. There is no “You’ve Got Mail” popping up on my computer to fill me with a sense of obligation. There is only this moment. In this moment, I get to be.

The challenge for me and all of us is to maintain this sense of peace that can only be found within ourselves while “doing” what we do throughout our days. Do we bark at the first person who calls us for disturbing our peace? Do we resent the person who cuts us off and carry that anger with us throughout the day? Do we shove down our feelings instead of expressing ourselves? We can’t hide from the world, but we can choose how we live in it. Choose to return to peace no matter what life presents. There is an endless supply within each of us. Happy Birthday to me and Happy Day to you!

Meditation: Do you ever allow yourself a day that unfolds moment by moment? What would that feel like? Are you consumed with thoughts and tasks from the time you wake up until you go to bed? What does that feel like?

Action: Carve out a day for yourself (I highly recommend your birthday!) and let it unfold moment by moment. Turn off the ringer on your phone. Don’t get on the computer. Just be with yourself and the day.