Open to life
Bring the heat of terror
With no shade of protection
Burning from the inside out
We find our way to Safety
To the Well of rest within
Remembering the truth
That everything is okay
Even when it doesn’t feel okay
Being with the experience
Tuning in to our Self
At this point in my life, 2 years, 7 months and 12 days since John died, I travel comfortably in this world unescorted, standing on my own two feet, asking for help when I need it and trusting my Self and life. But there are moments of sheer terror, when I feel exposed with no shade of protection and the heat surges through my body burning me from the inside out. Vulnerability is a part of this life as we are open in any given moment to experiences that shake us but we find our way to safety, remembering the truth that everything is okay even when it doesn’t feel okay. We tune in and make choices that free us.
Yesterday, I got a call from the guy I had hired to wash and wax my houseboat. He had quoted me one price last week but told me another price. Before giving him an opportunity to explain where the difference in his fee came from, I snapped at him letting him know that I was only paying him the original fee agreed upon (period). He backed off and said that he would see me when I arrived at the boat.
I was afraid that he was trying to take advantage of me because I am a woman so I called my friend who had referred him. She listened to me, not telling me what to do or not to do and held space for my moment of crazy as I vented about feeling frustrated and vulnerable without John handling that crap even though John was more of a pushover than me which made me laugh out loud.
After I hung up with my friend, I took a pause, sitting down, closing my eyes and breathing consciously in and out through my nose which allowed me to tune in to the enormity of all I was feeling and the sensations gripping me. I acknowledged all that bubbled up, letting it come and letting it go. I grounded in the moment and made the choice to call the guy back. Hearing him out, I understood where he was coming from as a business person and we agreed on the amount.
I didn’t try to explain where I was coming from because the information was for me. I love that wherever I am, I can be with it. This makes me feel safe within my Self in this world where fear will absolutely send me into moments of crazy where I get hooked and like a fish on the end of a reel, I begin to swim, fighting for my life. This energy is a gift because I can stand up for my Self and challenge others in order to assure I am not being a doormat. Speaking bitch fluently when necessary has been a saving grace over my lifetime so I am grateful that I can use my voice and exercise my power of choice.
The invitation this day is to recognize when you feel vulnerable in life. How does vulnerability feel in your body? How do you process this? Can you be present to it not judging yourself or pushing it away? Can you make the choices that free you from the grips of the experience? Use your voice without apology, understanding that kindness starts with how we treat our Self and then, we can extend this out to others including those we hire to perform various services.